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Now, we all know that pop music is not going to save the world but it does, undeniably, create a filing system for the memory banks.

If parts get too boring just fast forward – all the way to the end if need be.

The myth of a band being gang of lads out “against” the world (read as “to change”, “to shag” or “to save the world”) is pure wishful thinking to keep us all buying the records and reading the journals. Any more than two of you and factions develop and you may as well be in politics. Remember, Top of the Pops is all powerful and has outlasted all the greats (Cliff being the exception to the rule). ” outsider stance only gets you so far and even then takes sodden years and ends up with you alienating vast chunks of the Great British public who don’t want to be confronted with Jim Reid’s skin problem on a Thursday evening.

Mind you, it’s a myth that many band members want to believe themselves. There is no place for the nostalgia of the four lads who shook the world or the last gang in town. I repeat, take Top of the Pops to your bosom and learn to love the platform that matters the most.

Because it is only by following the clear and concise instructions contained in this book that you can realise your childish fantasies of having a Number One hit single in the official U. Top 40 thus guaranteeing you a place forever in the sacred annals of Pop History.

Be ready to dip your hands in the lucky bag of life, gather the storm clouds of fantasy and anoint your own genius.

TO RECEIVE THIS GUARANTEE PLEASE WRITE TO KLF PUBLICATIONS, BOX 283, HP21 7HG, U. WITH YOUR NAME, ADDRESS AND A PHOTOCOPY OF YOUR PURCHASE RECEIPT AND AN S. “HOW TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE – THE EASY WAY” Be ready to ride the big dipper of the mixed metaphor.

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Mass appeal records can always transcend any apparatus they are played on; the exp ensive set up is only for judging coffee table records. Copies of the latest in the series of “Now That’s What I Call Music” and “Hits” LPs. A couple of the most recent dance compilation LPs (“The Techno Sounds of Dagenham Volume Vl”, etc.). All the 7″ singles in your house that ever made the Top 5. Address your envelope to: Sylvia Calver, Morgan Grampian Plc, Royal Sovereign House, 40 Beresford Street, London SE18 6BQ (telephone 01-854-2200) with a cheque or postal order for £15.00. If you do not already have any of the above, or are unable to borrow them, then we are afraid you are going to have to spend some real cash.

The fact that a record is Number One automatically means the track is in a very short period of time going to become over exposed and as worthless as last month’s catchphrase.

Basically, a Number One is seen as the ultimate accolade in pop music. Most artists are never able to recover from having one and it becomes the millstone around their necks to which all subsequent releases are compared.

Watch Top of the Pops religiously every week and learn from it. YOU CAN BEGIN ANY SUNDAY EVENING You can begin any Sunday evening by listening to Bruno Brookes introducing the Top 40 Show between 4pm and 7pm.

You don’t have to sit down and dissect and study it, just have it on and make the tea. You just want something that’s not going to be offensive and people are going to be happy doing business with. Check that the company name that you have chosen is still sound. You are going to have to get used to getting up earlier; no lying in until noon now.